I’ve already done this three times, but was unsatisfied with the timing. As SL has received reviews, and Eve has responded and tweaked, I’ve been giving her time to grow. But now it’s my turn:

v1.3 Here we go: Synthetic Life

Summary:

Version one: I appreciate the full-color art and I see definite improvement there. I encourage you to focus on the web functionality and dialogue.

Version two: You’ve fixed most of the webdesign issues, but I would like to see smoother dialogue.

Version now: Please, fuck, fix the dialogue.

And that’s where we start. First, an overview:

Being a sci-fi writer, I like the genre. If the one woman-show, Eve Z, can do something kickass with it, I’ll be the first to give props. SL turned 1-year-old in July 07’, and carries a decent archives with steady updates.

SL is the story of a robo-designer, Sean, and his masterpiece creation, the hapless Michelle. You see, Sean’s dad got locked up while completing a biosynthetic heart, so the son took on his father’s work, only stepping it up to a full-scale real/fake perfect girl. From dad’s liberation to Michelle’s emotional development, it just sort of rolls along. Whatever. My stars of SL are the A.I.: a sentient computer, Henri, and a tiny robo-helper, Bobo. The characterization of these servants/friends are pure joy. I’m actually reading just for Henri, but that’s just me; I adore the archetype.

The pages are mostly color, and it’s hard to put my thumb down on anything wrong with the lineart. Some of it feels rushed, but most of the time it’s plenty expressive enough. If anything it’s progressed from cardboard cutouts to a more active look and feel. It’s easy to see the art develop over its lifetime, and that’s part of what makes reading comics (webbed or not) so much fun for those who know what to look for.

The problem, and it’s a constant problem, is the dialogue. I’m not exactly sure English is Eve’s first language. If not, that’s an excuse, (The Building, Elle and all the Others)—but even still, we’re going to need an intervention. From a recent strip, C5 P36:

Apologetic Michelle: “I’m sorry for all these. I didn’t mean to be mad at you. If I didn’t get upset, you didn’t have to take me out.”

Sean, the placater: “This has got nothing to do with you! Actually, I’m content with the situation.”

This isn’t even the most errant example I found, it just happened to be relevant. Even out of context, even without an illustration, scripted dialogue should be intelligible and fluid. It’s a skill we all need to develop. It comes easier to some more than others. Dialogue should sound like natural speech when spoken (and even acted) aloud. Spellchecking and grammar does not compelling writing make! You can kill the melodrama with a turn of a phrase.

An imperfect improvement:

Michelle: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get upset. If I hadn’t, none of this would’ve happened.”

Sean: “It’s not you’re fault. If anything, I’m happy with how it all ended up.”

The way real people talk, words are added, words are omitted. It’s not just contractions. Since dialogue is the main method of exposition in your story, Eve, I’d give yourself a little workshop reading some manga, sci-fi novels, and chick-lit, really paying attention to the dialogue and character voice. I think that’s the blend you’re going for, but what you have isn’t it.

It takes work to improve, and you’re 80% there on the art and webdesign, but haven’t moved an inch on the writing. Your plot gets lost in the dialogue, not clarified from it. Since your story is married to explaining shit via your characters, do it with natural (and fun) pizzazz.

And that’s where we are. For all the times I’ve seen ‘edited’ and ‘wholesale re-write’ in her update notes, I’ve yet to measure any real improvement towards that issue. Whatever she’s doing isn’t working. The dialogue might actually be getting worse. That’s not say I’m questioning the effort towards growth, I’m simply stating this is SL’s main weakness, and it’s not a difficult/impossible one to fix. I’ve suggested this to others, but get an artsy writer friend or English major to help edit or suggest alterations. Writers do this all the time, it’s called having a beta-reader or crit-partner and it’s an acknowledgement that two pairs of eyes are better than one.
 
Would I pay to read it? Not at this stage, though I do enjoy watching it all develop.

SL is a Pinocchio-in-love story, and will be a fine webmangu as long as she shows the same care to the dialogue as she has the art, plot, and webdesign. Maybe someday I’ll say yes. Eve claims it’s only 6/40 chapters complete. If 10/40 reads smoother, she’d have herself at least one new fan.